The One With Rachel's Sister

Teleplay by: Sherry Bilsing & Ellen Plummer
Story by: Seth Kurland
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross their bills.]

Joey: Okay Rach, that muffin and espresso, $4.50. Ross, double latte, $2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, $4.25. And Pheebs, herbal tea, $1.25. So, all together thatís (pauses to figure the total) $12.75.

Chandler: This coming from the man who couldnít split our 80 dollar phone bill in half.

(A good-looking woman approaches.)

Woman: Hi!

Joey: Hi!

Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte?

Joey: Oh thatís on the house courtesy of Joey Tribbiani.

Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?

Joey: Well, heís not used to women being so forward with him; but uh, I good check with himóHe says itís okay. (She hands him her card.) Great! Thanks! Bye-bye!

Ross: Hey Joey, how come our stuff isnít free?

Joey: It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt! This is great! Iím getting more dates than ever!

Rachel: Wait a minute, youíre only giving free stuff away to the pretty girls?

Phoebe: Yeah Joey that is so gross!

Joey: How about a scone on the house baby?

Phoebe: (giggles) Iím pretty.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly.]

Ross: Hey does anyone have any gum?

Phoebe: Oh I do! (She grabs her huge purse and starts rummaging through it and taking out various items in a futile search for the gum.) Oh, yíknow what? No. (Pause) Wait a second. (She removes a bag filled with water that has a goldfish swimming in it.) I know itís in here somewhere.

Ross: Yíknow what? Iím good! Iím good!

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldnít you be at work?

Monica: (congested) Ugh, they sent me home. They said I canít work if Iím sick.

All: Ohh!

Chandler: Iím so sorry youíre sick.

Monica: Iím not sick!! I donít get sick! Getting sick is for weaklings and for pansies!

Rachel: Honey, no one thinks youíre a pansy, but we do think you need a tissue. (She notices something hanging from Monicaís nose, as does Joey.)

Monica: (wiping her nose) I have not been sick in over three years! (Sneezes.)

Chandler: Iím gonna grab you some tissue.

Monica: I donít need a tissue! Iím fine-d!

Ross: When you put a ĎDí at the end of ĎFineí youíre not fine.

Monica: Iím fine-d. Iím fine-d! Yíknow, itís a really hard word to say.

(Thereís a knock on the door. The gang is stunned and Phoebe counts to make sure that everyone is there. Out of curiosity Chandler goes and answers the door.)

Chandler: Yes?

(A woman enters.)

Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? Iím her sister.

Rachel: Oh my God, Jill!

Jill: Oh my God, Rachel!

(They run and hug each other.)

Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us!

Rachel: This is Chandler. (Points at him.)

Jill: Hi!

Rachel: And you know Monica and Ross!

Ross: Hi Jill.

Rachel: And thatís Phoebe (points), and thatís Joey.

Joey: Hey, (in the Joey voice) how you doiní?

Rachel: Donít!! (Joey backs away frightened.) (To Jill) Honey, what are you doing here?!

Phoebe: (To Ross) Which-which sister is this? Is this the spoiled one or thatís bitter?

Jill: (To Rachel) Daddy cut me off.

Phoebe: Never mind, I got it.

Jill: And yíknow what I said to him? "Iím gonna hire a lawyer and Iím gonna sue you and take all your money. Then Iím gonna cut you off!"

Rachel: Wow! What did he say?

Jill: That he wouldnít pay for my lawyer! Then he told me to come here and learn about the value of money from the one daughter heís actually proud off.

Rachel: Oh! Did you hear that?! My dadís proud of me! My dadís proud of me.

Monica: Rach? (Points to Jill.)

Rachel: Oh yeah, sorry. Wait honey, so what did you do that made dad cut you off?

Jill: Okay, I bought a boat.

Monica: You bought a boat?

Jill: Yeah but it wasnít for me, it was for a friend.

Chandler: Boy did we make friends with the wrong sister! (Rachel glares at him.)

Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that couldíve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! Iím the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what youíre gonna do. Youíre gonna get a job, youíre gonna get an apartment, and then Iíll help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us?

Phoebe: Of course, yeah!

Jill: Oh, thatís so great! Okay, Iím really gonna do this! I donít know how to thank you guys.

Phoebe: Ooh, I like cards.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is working as Phoebe and Ross are sitting on the couch.]

Joey: (to a customer) Are you all finished here?

Customer: Yes.

Joey: Great! (Joey takes his cookie and finishes it.)

Gunther: Okay, here are the tips for this morning. Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes eight dollars.

Joey: What?!

Gunther: For all the free food you gave away.

Joey: Well if itís free food, how come youíre charging me for it?

Gunther: We donít give anything away unless itís someoneís birthday.

Joey: Well, what if they came in third in a modeling contest?

Gunther: No!

Joey: (to a woman who came in third in a modeling contest) Sorry! (He grabs her muffin away and returns it to the serving tray.)

Jill: (entering, carrying a bunch of shopping bags) I just had the hardest day. Those bags are so heavy. (Sets them down.)

Ross: Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took away your credit card.

Jill: Oh please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15. But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got! (Holds up a red sweater) This is my "Please, hire me" sweater. (Holds up a pair of black pants) And these are my, "Donít you want to rent me this apartment?" pants.

Ross: I donít think charging new clothes too your dad qualifies as making it on your own.

Jill: Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical!

Phoebe: Seriously, I donít Rachelís gonna think itís a good idea.

Jill: So who made her queen of the world?

Phoebe: I would love that job!

Rachel: (entering) Hey! Whatís goiní on?

Jill: Hey!

Rachel: (notices Jillís bags) Jill! Did you shop?!

Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross)

Phoebe and Ross: Yeah, we went shopping!

Rachel: You went shopping?! What, and then you just came in here and paraded it right under Jillís nose when you know sheís trying to quit. Wow, you guys are terrible!

Phoebe: Sorry Jill.

Ross: Sorry-sorry Jill.

Rachel: Whatíd you get?

Phoebe: Oh well, all right, I got (Ross hands her a bag) (To Ross) thank you, I got uh, this yíknow "I want a job sweater." (Holds up the same sweater.)

Rachel: Oh.

Phoebe: And, and then I got uh, these are apartment pants.

Rachel: Apartment pants?

Phoebe: Yeah, you never heard of them?

Rachel: No, of course, of course Iíve heard of them! Ross, what did you get?

Ross: Huh? Oh, I got thisó(Holds up this pink frilly thing)óthis!

Rachel: A Pashmina?

Ross: Yeah! Oh, I-I love this babies!

Rachel: Really?

Ross: Ross, wants a Pashmina?

Ross: Itís a rug. (Jill winces.)

Rachel: Jill?

Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) Iím sorry Rachel, Iím sorryÖ

Rachel: Oh, come on! You think thatís gonna work on me?! I invented that!

Jill: Right! But, I am sorry.

Rachel: All right, itís okay. One little setback is okay, just donít let it happen again, all right? Now since daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away. But Iím just gonna take the-the Pashmina. (Ross hands it to her.) And the uh, and the uh pants. Yíknow what, Iím just gonna take it all away, Ďcause that way youíll just really learn the lesson. Okay? All righty, Iím gonna run a couple of errands and I will see you at dinner. (Leaves with all of Jillís stuff.)

Jill: She took all my stuff.

Ross: Yeah. Everything but, the little blue one. (Holds it up for her.)

Jill: (gasps) Thatís the best one! Oh my God, (hugs him) thank you so much!

Ross: Well. HeyÖ

Jill: Oh my gosh, that was so lame. Like a Pashmina could be a rug!

Ross: Oh yeah, how about you and the, (mimics her fake cry) "Iím sorry!"

Jill: (hits him) Shut up! I did not sound like that at all!

Phoebe: What about, what about when I said yíknow about the apartment pants, how dumb was I?

(They both look at her.)

Jill: Were you this cute in high school?

Ross: Oh stop.

Jill: No you stop!

Ross: No, you stop!

Jill: You stop!

Phoebe: (gets up and sits between them) Okay-okay, why donít I sit here and youíll both stop it!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still very sick and is entering the living room from the bathroom wearing a robe. Chandler is reading a magazine.]

Monica: Okay, so what do you, what do you want to do? Letís do something crazy!

Chandler: I know, letís rest and drink lots of fluids. (Holds up a glass of orange juice.)

Monica: Okay, Iíll rest. But yíknow if Iím going to bed, then youíre coming with me.

Chandler: That would be impossible to resist if you werenít all drippy here. (Points to his nose.)

Monica: (wiping her nose) Are you saying that you donít wanna get with this? (Tries to do a little sexy body rub, but it doesnít work all that well with the big robe.)

Chandler: Yeah, I donít you should say that even when youíre healthy.

Monica: (in a sexy voice) Come on. (Coughs loudly.)

Chandler: Donít take this personally okay? Itís just that I just canít have sex with a sick person.

Monica: Iím with you Chandler! I mean I canít have sex with a sick person either, thatís disgusting! But Iím not sick! Let me prove it to you. We are two healthy people in the pribe of libe.

Chandler: Thatís the thing, see I would like to stay in the pribe of mwha-ah-libe.

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey.

Rachel: Whatís up?!

Phoebe: Umm, I think thereís something you should maybe know.

Rachel: Well, itíd better not be about the apartment pants, because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren and she loved it.

Phoebe: No. No. Itís just I was umm, I was with Ross and Jill after you left and umm, Iím pretty sure I saw a little spark between them.

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah I mean itís probably nothing, but I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there.

Rachel: With Ross and Jill?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: With Ross and my sister?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh there is no way.

Phoebe: Okay then.

Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I donít really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isnít that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and theyíre gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I canít stop it! I canítóI donít own Ross! Yíknow? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I canít believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.

Phoebe: But great news about the apartment pants, huh?

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is giving the bill to the same beautiful woman from before.]

Joey: Thatíll be $3.85.

Woman: What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff!

Joey: Itís just I canít because my manager said IÖ (Gets an idea) (Starts singing) "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear AnnieÖ

Woman: Amy!

Joey: (still singing) "ÖAmy! Happy birthday to you!"

A Male Customer: Hey, thatís weird, todayís my birthday too!

Joey: Yeah, not it here it isnít.

Jill: (entering) Sorry Iím late, whatís up?

Rachel: (on the couch) Oh hi! Yíknow, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front.

Jill: Oh no! But I just walked past three sales and I didnít go in. How strong am I?

Rachel: That is great. Hey, yíknow who doesnít have to job hunt? Ross. He works at the university.

Jill: Yeah.

Rachel: Oh so you know that, you guys talked about that, so you get along, so you think youíre gonna go out?

Jill: Me go out with Ross?! No! God no! What would make you think that?

Rachel: I just, Phoebe, said yíknow thought she saw something between you guys.

Jill: No! I mean heís nice.

Rachel: Yeah.

Jill: Heís the kind of guy youíre friends with, yíknow? But heís not the kind of guy you date. Heís the kind of guy youíd date because you did. Me, not so much.

Rachel: Oh not-not so much. Umm, what-what do you, what do you mean is there something wrong with Ross?

Jill: Oh no-no-no, heís just I donít know, heís just a little bookish.

Rachel: Are-are you saying heís a geek?

Jill: You think so too?

Rachel: No! No I, no Ross is not a geek!

Jill: Fine, then letís just say heís not my type.

Rachel: What handsome is not your type? Smart? Kind? Good kisser? What those things arenít on your list? Ross is a great guy! You would be lucky to be with him!

Jill: Well okay, if it means that much to you, then Iíll ask him out.

Rachel: Oh no-no-no, no-no-no, thatís not what I meant.

Jill: No! Yíknow what Rachel? Youíre right, yíknow he has been really nice to me.

Rachel: Yeah but, heís not your type.

Jill: Yeah but maybe thatís a good thing. Yíknow Iím doing all these different sorts of things, and maybe I should try dating a geek too!

Rachel: Yeah but, you donít, you donít, you donít want to try to much too fast. Yíknow? I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl that tried to much too fast donít you?

Jill: What?

Rachel: She-she died Jill.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has fallen asleep reading a book. Monica calls from the bedroom and wakes him up.]

Monica: (still sick) Chandler!

Chandler: Oh what is it honey, you need some tea? Some soup? (He gets up from the couch and goes into the bedroom to find Monica, still in the robe, lying seductively on the bed. Or at least sheís trying too and as he enters the room, she takes the robe off on of her legs.) Oh-ohhhh!

Monica: (trying to be seductive) Calling Dr. Big, Dr. Big to the bed.

Chandler: Oh Jeez honey, I thought, I thought you were asleep.

Monica: How could I be asleep knowing that you were in the next room.

Chandler: I was asleep. (She takes off her robe and starts to shiver) Oh no! No-no honey! Yíknow whatís sexy? Layers. Layers are sexy. And blankets are sexy. And oh! Hot water bottles are sexy.

Monica: Come on, get into bed! I want to prove to you that Iím not sick! I wanna make you feel, as good as I feel. (Sneezes.)

Chandler: Would you please get some rest!

Monica: Iím fine. (She goes into one of those half sneezing, half-coughing fits that you get with a bad cold or flu.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is singing Happy Birthday to yet another good-looking woman. Gunther is watching and is not very happy.]

Joey: (singing) "Happy birthday to you!"

Gunther: Youíre paying for that.

Joey: What? No-no itís her birthday!

Gunther: Youíve sung Happy Birthday to 20 different women today!

Joey: But it reallyÖ

Gunther: You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins.

Joey: Damnit! (Storms off.)

Ross: (entering) Rach? Hi!

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Did you tell your sister to ask me out?

Rachel: Well yeahÖ

Ross: Oh wow! I mean, wow! I mean, I-I-I think sheís cute but I-I would never have thought of going out with her, never!

Rachel: Really?!

Ross: Yeah but after you said it was okay, I figured, "Why not?!"

Rachel: Oh so-so not really never.

Ross: I have to say you are a much bigger person than I am. I mean after all weíve been through, I justóyíknow I wish I had a brother to reciprocate. Hey, if you ever want to go out with Monica, you have my blessing.

Joey: (overhearing them) Oh-ho, and mine!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is still sick and is hobbling out into the living room for some help from Chandler whoís on the couch reading.]

Monica: (entering) Chandler, I think Iím sick.

Chandler: Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe!

Monica: Okay, fine I admit it! I feel terrible! Would you please rub this on my chest? (She hands him some of that Vicks Vap-O-Rub to put on.)

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no, you are not getting me this way.

Monica: Come on! I really need your help!

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no!

Monica: Fine, Iíll rub it on myself.

Chandler: Okay.

(To start this task, she lowers the top of her robe to reveal that she is naked from the waist up, well at least her back is, and starts to rub on the gunk. Chandler notices this, and has something start happening. Iíll let you fill in the blank here.)

Chandler: So youíre just, kinda rubbing it on yourself?

Monica: Yeah?

Chandler: Itís nice.

Monica: Are you kidding me?! Is this; is this turning you on?

Chandler: Yes! (Hangs his head in shame.)

Monica: I canít believe it! What is it? Is it the rubbing or the smell?

Chandler: Itís all very, very good. (She covers up and sits down.) So you wanna go uh, mix it up?

Monica: Not now, Iím sick!

Chandler: Oh come on you big faker!

Monica: What happened to your rule about never sleeping with sick people?

Chandler: Well that was before all the vaporizing action.

Monica: Okay, if you really wanna have sexÖ

Chandler: Okay! (Runs into the bedroom.)

Monica: Worked like a charm.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Jill enters to start her date with Ross.]

Jill: (entering) Hi!

Rachel: Hi! Wh-what are you doing here?

Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? (She spins to show Rachel the outfit sheís wearing.)

Rachel: Well, I-I donít like it.

Jill: Really?!

Rachel: Itís kinda slutty.

Jill: Itís yours!

Rachel: Yeah well, Iím-Iím a slut.

Jill: (laughs) Me too.

Ross: (entering) Hi Jill!

Jill: Hey!

Ross: Hi (sees Rachel and forgets her name for a moment).

Rachel: Rachel.

Ross: Rachel! Well, you-youíre not at home, youíre-youíre-youíre right here.

Rachel: Yeah I know, and I bet you thought it would be weird. But itís not!

(Thereís an awkward silence.)

Ross: Okay. So well Iíll umm, (To Rachel) Iíll have her home by midnight.

(Rachel laughs a little too hard as Ross and Jill leave for their date. After they have left, Rachel starts to break down.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters and walks quickly over to the window to watch Rossís apartment. We see that Rossís apartment is empty.]

Rachel: Why arenít you home yet?!

Monica: (calling from the bathroom) Is someone there?

Rachel: Oh yes, itís me! Sorry!

Chandler: (calling from the bathroom) What are you doing here?

Rachel: Uh, Iím just, Iím just looking out your window. At-at the view. What are you guys doing?

Chandler: We got some Vap-O-Rub in some places.

(We see that Ross is returning to his apartment with Jill.)

Rachel: (gasps) Oh, he brought her back to his apartment.

Monica: (entering with Chandler) Who? (She looks out the window at Rossís apartment) Is that your sister?

Rachel: Ugh, she is a slut!

Monica: God, Ross is on a date with your sister! How weird is that?!

Rachel: Oh my God, look-look heís taking off her clothes!

Chandler: Heís taking off her coat!

(We see that Ross is taking off Jillís coat.)

Rachel: Oh, this is just terrible.

Monica: Oh no itís not, no itís not. Itís a first date. Iím sure that nothing is gonnaÖ(as she is talking we see Ross close his drapes.)

Rachel: Oh. (Squeaks again.)

Chandler: Ho-oh, heís gonna get some! (Rachel looks at him.) Of the glare from the streetlight out of his apartment. Yíknow so umm, heís closed the drapes there so he can have a nice, pleasant conversation with your little sister. (Pause) Well, Iím off to bed! (Goes to bed.)

To Be Continued

Ending Credits

(There is no credits scene, just a preview of the next couple of episodes.)


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