|Story by: David J. Lagana
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica are there. Rachel is reading everyoneís horoscope.]
Rachel: Okay, Chandler!
Rachel: And your horoscope says, "On the fifth a special someone is going to give you a gift."
Chandler: (To Monica) Oh, well thank you in advance. (Kisses her.)
Rachel: Op, but the twelfth brings a loverís spat.
Monica: (To Chandler) You are going to make a joke about my special present! Why would you do that?!
Rachel: Oh, wait and on the nineteenth a secret crush announces itself.
(Phoebe winks and licks her lips while eyeing Chandler.)
Joey: (entering) Hey guys!
Rachel: (ecstatic) Oh my God! Itís Joey Tribbiani of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!!!!!!
(Everyone claps and cheers, Joey mimics looking about with a gun.)
Chandler: Oh thatís right. Itís your first day! So are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?
Joey: Am I psyched? The lead in my own TV series? Iíve dreamed about this for years! Why have I not been preparing?!
Phoebe: No! Joey, youíre going to be great!
Joey: But I got to act with a robot Pheebs, and-and I donít know anything about technology! I canít even use Chandlerís computer except to find porn! And-and thatís only Ďcause itís right there when you turn it on!
Monica: I think our loverís spat will start a little early this month.
Phoebe: (in a sexy voice to Chandler) Iíll be waiting.
[Scene: Central Perk, time lapse. Phoebe is now looking at the covers of two different books.]
Chandler: Are you judging them by their covers? Because youíre really not supposed to do that.
Phoebe: No, Iím just deciding which one to useóIím gonna start writing another book!
Rachel: Be-because the last one was such a big seller?
Phoebe: Well, if you must know I have written 14 books. And as I am the only one who has read them, I can tell you that they all have been very well received.
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Ross: What are you guys doing later?
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel and I have appointments to get our hair cut.
Rachel: (To Phoebe) We do?
Phoebe: I want to see what he wants first.
Ross: (continuing) I just found out that Elizabethís dad wants to meet me.
Chandler: Wait a minute, hold the phone! Youíre not Elizabethís dad?!
Ross: Come on guys, I-I really want this guy to like me. It-it would really help me out if you guys were here to make me look good.
All: Of course weíll help! Yeah! Weíll be here!
Monica: We know how tough those parent/teacher conferences can be.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, itís the set of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. The producer is showing Joey around the set.]
The Producer: (walking into Macís office) So uh, hereís your office set!
Joey: Wow! Huh? (Picks up the phone) Mac Macaveli, Private Investigator!
The Producer: (checking his watch) Letís get you into wardrobe for a fitting.
Joey: Okay. Hey uh, when do I get to meet the robot?
The Producer: Iím sorry, why donít we do that right now? Heís right here. (Points to a guy.)
The Producer: Joey Tribbiani, this isÖ
Joey: Oh wow! Heís so lifelike! (Starts touching the guyís cheeks) Unbelievable! (He starts tugging on the guyís ears.
The Producer: This is Wayne, the man who created and operates C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: (slaps Wayne on his cheek) How do you do there, Wayne? (Backs away.)
The Producer: Iíll let you two guys get acquainted, huh? (Walks away.)
Joey: Okay. Sorry about thatÖ(Mimics that cheek thing he just did.) Uh, so whereís C.H.E.E.S.E.?
Wayne: C.H.E.E.S.E. is right here. (He puts on his headset, picks up the controller, and wheels C.H.E.E.S.E. in. C.H.E.E.S.E. is just a plain old robot on tracks; he kinda looks like No. 5 in the movie Short Circuit.)
C.H.E.E.S.E.: (Wayne with a computerized voice) Nice to meet you Mac!
Joey: (laughs) This is like the temporary robot, right?
Wayne: No. Why?
Joey: Well, I-I just, I just it was going to be like a really cool robot, yíknow? Like the terminator or uh, when I first saw you.
Wayne: I spent two years developing this machine, itís absolutely state of the art.
Joey: Iím sorry, it justóI donít know it doesnít really look like it can do anything.
Wayne: It can do this. (He moves C.H.E.E.S.E.ís arm close to Joeyís special area and he jumps back.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, Die Hard, and Armageddon.]
Elizabeth: This is my father, Paul Stevens. Dad, this is Ross Geller.
Ross: It-itís great to meet you Paul.
Paul: I usually prefer Elizabethís boyfriends to address me as Mr. Stevens.
Ross: Of course, of course, Mr. Stevens.
Paul: So Ross, what your problem?
Ross: Eh-whóExcuse me?
Paul: Why canít you get a girlfriend your own age?
Ross: Thatís funny. UmmÖ. (Pause, then serious) Itís not funny.
Paul: I donít like you going out with my daughter Ross.
Ross: Okay. I can, I can see that. Umm, but I think if you give me umm, one chance I can, I can change your mind.
Paul: Okay. Iíll give you one chance to change my mind. (Ross laughs in relief) You got one minute. (Ross suddenly gets worried.)
Paul: Fine! Two minutes. Go.
Ross: This isóyouó(Ross starts laughing.)
Paul: (laughs then checking his watch) 1 minute 50 seconds.
Ross: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean Iíve been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a studentóI mean I notónot it! I mean, I mean I donítóWe havenít done it. Uh, I mean, I mean, weíve-weíve-weíve done stuff. (Paul is not amused.) Okay, okay, a joke, a jokeólighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.
Paul: Iím Irish.
Ross: And the Irish guy wins the joke!
(Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe enter.)
Monica: How crazy that weíd run into you!
Ross: Oh God, thank you! (Runs and gives all of them a group hug.) Umm, uh, Mr. Stevens Iíd like you to meet my friends uh, this is Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler.
Phoebe: Youíre Elizabethís father, huh? I can see now where she gets her rugged handsomeness.
Monica: (obviously attracted to him) Is-is-is there a-a Mrs. Stevens?
Chandler: Thereís a Mr. Bing!
Paul: No, unfortunately Lizzieís mom passed away shortly after she was born. I raised her by myself.
Phoebe and Monica: (sympathetic) Ohh!
Paul: I get that a lot.
Ross: Okay umm, why donít we all take a seat, yíknow? And uh, and Iíll get us all some uh some coffeesó(He goes to pull out Elizabethís chair, but Paul steps in)óYeah, why donít you. (Paul pulls out her chair) Uh and you guys can talk about whatever, whatever you want. Yíknow? Whatever pops into your head. (He turns his back to Paul and Elizabeth and points to himself for Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe. Then he goes to order the coffee.)
Monica: Yíknow, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day, Ďcause usually heís got the childrenís hospital.
Phoebe: Yeah. Not looking for dates. (Monica turns in horror.)
Elizabeth: So uh, Monica is Rossís sister.
Monica: And heís a great brother!
Paul: I had a sister.
Paul: She passed away.
Monica and Phoebe: (sympathetic) Ohh!
Paul: Oh, you donít have to do that every time.
Chandler: But uh Ross, Ross is a great guy! I was roommates with him in college. Uh, funny storyÖ (He starts laughing then notices that Paul isnít happy.) Youíre roommate in college died didnít he?
Paul: A part of him did yes.
Ross: (returning with the coffee) Okay here we are Paul, Elizabeth. (He sets down their cups.) So I hope you guys were finding something to talk about.
Chandler: Yes, we were justÖ
(Rachel runs in.)
Rachel: Hi, Iím sorry Iím late but I am ready, ready to talk you up! When does Lizís father get here?
Paul: Iím already here.
Rachel: Oh! Ross is sooo great!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is working on her book at the kitchen table, Monica is on the couch, and Chandler is entering from the bathroom carrying a package of toilet paper.]
Chandler: Hey honey, you got the kind with the little girl, you said we were gonna to get the kind with the baby.
Monica: No, you said the baby creeps you out.
Chandler: No, the little girl creeps me out.
Monica: You said the baby.
Chandler: Why would the baby creep me out?
Monica: Why would the little girl creep you out?
Phoebe: (writing frantically) You guys, Iím sorry, could you please talk a little slower?
Chandler: This is going in your book?
Phoebe: Yeah, itís about relationships. Yíknow? The traps, the pitfalls, what not to do, keep going. This stuff is great!
Monica: What?! Excuse me!
Phoebe: And how none of it matters when the people really love each other. (Chandler and Monica kiss.) And how people will believe anything you tell them as long as itís a compliment.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there alone as Paul enters.]
Rachel: (seeing him) Oh hi!
Paul: Hi! Hi. (Heís looking around.) I think I left my keys here somewhere.
Rachel: Oh! Well letís look for them. (Finds some under one of the couch cushions. It has a pink, fuzzy ball on the key chain.) Oh-oh-hey! Are these them?
Rachel: All right! (Throws them back under the cushion.)
Paul: Oh, here they are right here. (Picks them up from underneath the corner of the couch.)
Rachel: Oh good.
Paul: Thanks for your help. (Starts to leave.)
Rachel: (chasing after him) Oh, wait! Sorry, Mr. Paul? Mr. Paul?
Paul: Just call me Paul.
Rachel: Paul. Umm, I just wanted you to know that Ross really is a great guy.
Paul: Well maybe you can date him then that would save me the trouble of killing him. (Rachel laughs then starts looking at him.) Are you okay?
Rachel: You just donít look old enough to have a twenty-year-old daughter.
Paul: Well, we were very young when we had her.
Rachel: Oh. We?
Paul: Well yeah, it usually, it takes two people toÖ (He taps his index fingers together.)
Rachel: Oh no! Yes! Of course, I know that! I justóI meant yíknow are you still a ĎWeí or are you just ĎYou?í
Paul: Iím just me, my wife died shortly after Lizzie was born.
Rachel: (sympathetic) Ohh. So you raised her all on your own?
Paul: Yes I did.
Rachel: Ohh. (She touches his arm for support and likes what she feels) Ooh!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Phoebe is still writing in her book, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen as Joey enters.]
Monica: How was your first day?
Joey: Pretty great! Except I did get a little attitude from the robot.
Chandler: Damn those robots, theyíre supposed to be our faithful servants!
Joey: Anyway, it wasnít the robot, it was the guy who controls him. Yeah, he doesnít like me. He had C.H.E.E.S.E. knock over the sandwich right when I was reaching for one! Ohh!
Phoebe: Well, why donít you just get him fired?
Joey: I may have to, I hate to do it, but Iím the star! Yíknow? Thereís a limit to how many sandwiches I can eat off the floor. (His cell phone rings) Excuse me. (Answers it, on phone) Joey Tribbiani.
Estelle: (on the other end) Joe! Iím glad I found ya, I got an audition for ya!
Estelle: The thing is itís kinda on the Q.T. The actor who has the part doesnít know he might be fired. Itís the lead in a series, Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Joey: Iím the lead in Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.!!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is entering looking for Joey, but instead he finds Paul and Rachel making out on the couch.]
Paul: Hi Ross.
Rachel: I was just getting him to like you.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, scene is continued from earlier.]
Ross: Joey?! Joey!! (He runs into his bedroom.)
Rachel: Ross, Joey is not here.
Ross: Okay, Iíll just wait for him in here!
Rachel: Ross, itís okay. You can come out.
Paul: Yeah Ross itís okay, itís me, Mr. Stevens.
Ross: (coming out of the bedroom) Oh! Oh my God! I didnít even see you!
Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. (Kisses her.)
Paul: Iíll call you later. Bye Ross. (Leaves)
Ross: What-what-what theóhow da-how did-what the-how did-what?!
Rachel: Well, yíknow he lost his keys so he was looking for themÖ
Ross: (incredulous) In your mouth?!
Rachel: No! Downstairs! And we got to talking yíknow, for like two hours, and I really liked him so I invited him up here for a cup of coffee.
Ross: You were at the coffeehouse!
Rachel: Ross, whatís the big deal? So I kissed the guy!
Ross: He is my girlfriendís father, okay? Itís-itís, itís weird!
Rachel: WhóYou dated my sister!
Ross: That was different!
Rachel: What? Why?!
Ross: This is weird for me!
Rachel: Ross look, look this is good for you. Okay? Letís face it, so far the guyís not loviní ya! But I can turn that around! I got the inside track! We can all go out to dinner, yíknow? And I can talk you up! Ross, the guy is a very, very successful lawyer!
Ross: How is that important?
Rachel: Oh itís important!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Joey is telling everyone about his impending termination at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.]
Joey: Apparently, thereís like a million guys out there that can play Mac, and thereís only this one robot and this one guy who controls it! I didnít know he could get me fired! What am I going to do?
Monica: Well yíknow Joey, youíre a pretty charming guy.
Joey: Thanks, but I kinda have a problem to deal with here.
Monica: No sweetie, youíve got to win over the guy that controls C.H.E.E.S.E.! Youíve got to kiss some serious robot ass!
Joey: Thatís not a bad idea. Yeah. Okay, but if I got to turn on the charm tomorrow Iím not wasting anymore of it over here with you guys. (Starts to leave, but stops and turns to Phoebe.) Well, actually I got a little bit saved for you Pheebs. (Exits.)
Chandler: So do you think uh, Joeyís more charming than me?
Monica: Yeah! Thatís why Iím sleeping with him on the side.
Chandler: Yeah, you wish. (Stops to think about it and gets depressed.)
Phoebe: (writing in her book) "You wish."
Monica: Phoebe, stop writing about us!
Phoebe: Iím not writing about you! Iím writing about other people.
Phoebe: Marcia and Chester.
Monica: Okay fine! Fine! Then you know what, Iíll just write about Phyllis! Hmm!
Monica: (writing on a piece of paper) Phyllis is sitting in a chair.
Phoebe: I see what youíre doing!
Monica: (still writing) Phyllis sees what Iím doing.
Phoebe: Ooh, I have tasted my own medicine and it is bitter!
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is walking up to C.H.E.E.S.E. and Wayne.]
Joey: Morning! Hey, howís my favorite genius and my little robot buddy?! (Pats C.H.E.E.S.E. on the head.)
Wayne: Donít touch him!
Joey: Okay! (He yanks his hand away.) All right. Umm, all right Wayne, level with me. Okay? I-I keep hearing all these rumors that I might get fired. Okay, they even have actors coming in to read for my part! Come on man, you-you got to give me a second chance! I mean, I love-I love this little guy! (He grabs C.H.E.E.S.E.ís arm and pulls it off at the elbow.) Ah-ah!! (Wayne is shocked.) Okay, thatís why you didnít want me to touch him right? Here you go! Okay? (Hands Wayne the arm and he goes to fix it. Meanwhile Joey starts to berate himself.) Stupid! I canít believe it! God! (A very beautiful woman walks by.) (To her) Hey, how you doiní? (He and her go over to talk and Wayne looks on with envy.)
[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross and Rachel are on their double date. Rachel is busy talking Ross up.]
Rachel: So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly, offered to take me.
Elizabeth: What a nice story!
Paul: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom.
Rachel: Wow! I definitely did not see that one backfiring! Iím gonna go to the bathroom.
Ross: Yeah, take your time.
(Rachel heads for the bathroom.)
Ross: (to Paul) Just-just so you know I was a freshman and she was a senior. So it wasnít as bad as-asÖ
Paul: Ross, look, I know Iíve been giving you a lot of jabs and itís partly because Iím very protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told me and the many, many, (pause) many stories that Rachel has told me that, well (pause) youíre not (pause) all bad.
Ross: Not all bad.
Paul: And anyhow, Iím sorry I was so harsh before, but you have to understand that I (pause) still look at Lizzie like sheís a twelve-year-old girl.
Ross: Yeah. You know what? I know what you mean; I do that too.
Paul: I beg your pardon?
Ross: No! No! NotóI donít mean I-I see her as a twelve-year-old girl! I mean I-I have a son, whoís umm six and I still think of him as a baby.
Paul: You have a son?
Ross: Yeah, well my-my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and umm, uh, and just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms as Iím sure you are with your wife! (Realizes) Oh, Iím sorry! (To Elizabeth) Itís unbelievable!
Paul: Donít worry about it, I just didnít realize you were married. (Rachel returns and hears that.)
Rachel: Oh we were, but that was just a (pause as the audience reacts), I mean that was just a big drunken mistake.
Ross: Youíre back.
Paul: You two were married?!
Rachel: Oh! Whoops! Iím sorry, you were talking about Emily!
(Ross slams his head down on the table.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are entering and theyíre arguing.]
Monica: Chandler, we said we would meet at the coffeehouse at six.
Chandler: We said seven!
Monica: We said six!
Chandler: The only way that I said six would be if the sevenís, let meet at seven, not at six.
Monica: Yeah and if I had seven, maybe I wouldíve said something like this, "Wow! My boyfriendís such a wise assóseven!"
Phoebe: (Turning around in the chair) Hi!
Chandler: Oh my good God.
Phoebe: I know what time you said.
Phoebe: Well actually, I know what time Chester and Marcia said.
Monica: What time?
Phoebe: Quite an interesting turn of events, suddenly itís my book to the rescue, huh? (Reading her book) Ooh, very interesting. Yeah, well this certainly clears things up.
Chandler: (disgusted) What does it say?!
Phoebe: I will tell you as soon as you thank me for writing my book.
Chandler: Thank you for writing your book. Its-its uh, great book and you are the queen of everything.
Phoebe: Thanks! So are you.
Chandler: (To Monica) I told you I should not wear this color. (Heís wearing a reddish-orange sweater.)
Phoebe: (reading from her book) MonÖ (Pause as she restarts) Marcia and Chester are planning on seeing a movie on Sunday night. Marcia thinks theyíre supposed to meet at six, Chester thinks itís at seven.
Chandler: So you knew we were gonna miss the movie!
Phoebe: Thatís right.
Monica: Inside of telling us you decided to write in your stupid book!
Phoebe: (writing in her book) Marcia and Chester are mad at Phyllis.
[Scene: Joeyís Dressing Room, Joey and Chandler are there.]
Joey: I canít believe Iím going to lose this job!
Chandler: Oh Iím so sorry man! Is there anything I can do?
Joey: Yeah! Help me get this mini-fridge past the security guard.
(Thereís a knock on the door and Joey answers it to Wayne.)
Wayne: Hey Joey, I want to talk to you.
Joey: Yeah? Well, I donít want to talk to you Wayne! I hate you! You ruined my life! Oh, Chandler, Wayne. Wayne, Chandler. (They shake hands.)
Chandler: Hi, how are ya?
Wayne: Joey, Joey, I-I-Iíll g-get you your job back if you help me out.
Joey: (incredulous) Why should I help you?!
Chandler: (whispering in Joeyís ear) The reason he just said.
Joey: (happily) What do you need?
Wayne: I-I-I saw you on stage talking to that beautiful woman, yíknow Sarah?
Wayne: I wish I could talk to her.
Joey: What are you in love with her or something?
Wayne: Yeah. Her. All of them. Anyone.
Chandler: Yeah, Iíve been there my friend.
Wayne: Listen, I-I guarantee you keep your job if you can teach me how to talk to women like you do.
Joey: Oh wow Wayne, itís not really something you can teach yíknow? Itís pretty much something youíre born with if youó(Off Chandlerís look)óYou-you can teach it! Iíll show you right how to do it.
[Scene: A Restaurant, Rachel is still trying to talk up Ross, not to much success.]
Rachel: I mean if you think about it, I mean Ross did learn something from each marriage.
Paul: How to make the next one even shorter?
Rachel: Now wait a minute thatís not fair. He was married to me a hell of a lot longer than he was married to Emily, he just didnít tell me. (Everyone looks at her, Ross not happily.) Maybe I have to pee again. (Gets up to try to use the bathroom.)
Paul: Well, this is fun. So Ross, did you kill any of these wives?
Ross: Yíknow what? I-I-IÖ I-I have had enough of this! Yíknow, I-I-I care a great deal about your daughter and I have treated her with nothing but respect! So if-if youíve got a problem with me, franklyÖ
Paul: Are you yelling at me?!
Ross: God no!
Elizabeth: Yíknow what daddy? If you donít like Ross, thatís fine. It doesnít matter to me, Iím gonna go out with him anyway.
Paul: Really?! (She nods in the affirmative.)
Ross: Well if it doesnít matter to her, it doesnít matter to me! (to Paul) Still not yelling!
Paul: Wow. What can I say? (Pause, pointing at Ross) This doesnít make me like you any better!
Ross: Thatís okay, Iím not so crazy about myself right now either.
Paul: Then we agree?
Ross: Uh yeah, I guessóYeah! I guess so.
Paul: Neither of us like Ross!
Elizabeth: I like Ross.
Ross: Ohhh! Kids!
Rachel: (returning) Wait-wait-wait, I just thought of another story about how nice Ross is!
Ross: Thatís okay Rach, weíre not liking Ross right now.
Rachel: Oh! Iíve got a lot of those too!
[Scene: Macís Office, Mac is talking to C.H.E.E.S.E. about their case.]
Joey: Well, it turns out you were right C.H.E.E.S.E.
C.H.E.E.S.E.: The shipment never made it through Omaha?
Joey: You got it! And the rabbiís beard, 100% horsehair. Nice catch C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Pauses as he waits for C.H.E.E.S.E.ís next line.) Itís your line C.H.E.E.S.E.! (Suddenly C.H.E.E.S.E. goes crazy and starts flinging itís arms and advancing on Joey behind the desk.) Wayne! Wayne!!
(The camera cuts to Wayne whoís busy making out with Sarah and rubbing C.H.E.E.S.E.ís controller on her back causing C.H.E.E.S.E. to go crazy. Joey starts throwing books at C.H.E.E.S.E. to get him to stop.)